Pornfield

no title does this justice.....

2006-03-30T17:06:00.000-05:00

Today at work I had to walk a grown woman through a math problem. It was addition and multiplication. We had a calculator. Yes, there was a decimal involved. I guess for some people that's like landing an F14 on an aircraft carrier at night, instead of in the day. The degree of difficulty is increased exponentially. Funny thing is, I had already explained this equation to her the week before. The answer was 30.65. She had to invoice a company for 30.65 She invoiced them for over 100.00 bucks. They called back. No shit. This woman reminds me of a drug mule, without the drugs. Live and let live, but for fuck's sake try to get a little grade three math in whilst you're at it.

When I Was A Little Boy

2006-01-16T22:18:00.000-05:00

When I was a little boy, my Dad sat me down on his knee and said:

"Son, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"Dad, I want to be a paper pusher"

"Are you sure? I mean don't you want to be an astronaut, or a fireman, or maybe a high profile lawyer?"

And I said: "No Dad, I want to be a paper pusher"

I'm living the dream.

2005-11-13T23:28:00.000-05:00

I've realized that we don't put enough emphasis on the importance of having one magical night with someone, here in the new millennium. That one chance that you just can't pass up because if you do it'll never feel the same.

I'm currently working on a Y95 second rate classic rock hits compilation and it dawned on me that every song from that period is about that one night, just living in the moment. I mean check out these song titles: I Don't Wanna Lose Your Love Tonight, Take Me Home Tonight, Just One Night, The Kid Is Hot Tonight, This Flight Tonight.....and those are just the songs with the word tonight in the title; there are many more that cover the same subject matter.

So what am I getting at? I'm not really sure. All I know is that there is some romantic notion to the songs of this period. I'm not saying that the one night stand was invented in the late 70's or early 80's; but what I am saying is that they seem to appreciate the appeal that tonight has. Today was shitty, tomorrow is gonna suck; but tonight is fuckin awesome.

At some point someone sucked the romance out of music and now its either stab yourself in the gut because your girlfriend fucked your best friend, or meet your best friend's girlfriend and fuck her in the bathroom before you even get your first triple Red Bull and vodka down.

Maybe its because I grew up in the era of cheesy songs about one night and one chance with that chick you put on a pedestal for who knows how long. Maybe I just have bad taste in music. But maybe, just maybe, its time for us to be a bit more optimistic and write a few songs about how magical and awesome tonight is.

Close to home

2005-08-31T18:23:00.000-04:00

Check this out http://www.vanishingpoint.ca/d_ham.html . Sure I'm probably the only one on earth who actually considers this to be cool. It hits really close to home for me because as a kid I remember peering through locked grates, and into huge sewer openings. These exact ones! Now these ballsy maniacs have broken in and actually photographed the insanity inside!

I'm nominating this as one of the most industrious projects of 2005 or any year. I bet these guys went to my highschool or live on my street. Modern day local, anonymous heroes! I'm so jealous I never got the idea, let alone the balls to do this.

song

2005-06-21T19:52:00.000-04:00

I wrote a song for a lady at work today, it goes like this:

Your daughter's fat y'all
Your daughter's fat y'all
Your daughter's fat a fat a fat a fat
She's fat y'all!
And you're skinny y'all

Her daughter works there too.

Get Me Outta Here

2005-05-02T21:02:00.000-04:00

world, originally uploaded by jcorn.

meh

2005-04-27T17:27:00.000-04:00

work, originally uploaded by jcorn.

Look how bored I am at work. I went to see The Arcade Fire last night. Although I didn't have a camera, someone that did has my email...

Cracks in a Photograph

2005-04-10T23:21:00.000-04:00

Sunday:
- attacks of the panic variety
- eating junk
- up too late
- major self loathing
- red sox lose
- where's my credit card?
- Found a really good Ryan Adams bootleg
- mental paralysis

Bloc Party in Detroit

2005-04-06T20:21:00.000-04:00

Well here they are, the Bloc Party concert shots. You're right, they're shit. Nobody would lend me a camera and the dude who did send these to me via email didn't have a clue how to use the friggin thing. Oh well.

The concert was outstanding. The Bloc rocked, and I was loving it. I was right up front with a speaker in one ear and the lead singer's whiney British strains in the other. Fantastic. But don't you hate it when you're the only one at a rock show freaking out? This crowd was lame to say the least. I didn't wanna dance too hard; I was afraid of hurting someone.

This next picture sucks even worse than the rest, but whatayagonnado? It seems like as hip as hipsters are they really lack in the area of just plain gettin down. Saw alot of dudes with blazers and such, but they just wouldn't dance. I started to get to itchin' about the hard night of Detroit rock cityin' I was hoping we had ahead of us.....I had to find out where the good spots were.....

Like a champ I approached the girl I had been eyeing all night with the skirt made out of about as much fabric as a hankerchief. I ask her and her friend where to party, and they say they'll tell me if i buy drinks. I say here, or where we're going? As I say this, I take a nice haul off my Marlboro Light and induce this remark: "Eww, smoke city! See Ya".....And like that! They were gone. Needless to say I felt like the world's biggest jackass. All I could do was rustle up Johnny, and Becka, and hit the streets......

And hit them we did. 3 bars. 2 cabs. 4 hours. A whole lot of booze and one shitty, rat's nest hotel. We spent a fortune, drank like kings, and painted Detroit with the red of the Canadian flag. Someone got naked, someone almost went home with someone extremely repulsive, someone was asking any Hollywood type if they liked to "party", and someone made a self depricating remark about herself I won't mention here. In the end I was wet, tired, and ready to do it all again. God Bless you everyone.

ps- the guy that sent me these pics accidentaly included a bunch of nude shots of him and his Gf.

laughter

2005-03-30T20:56:00.000-05:00

This is courtesy of Snakepunch. Please follow this link. I laughed so hard that I sharted. Please do yourself a favour and check out a really funny top 10. For some reason the more seriously Black Mettlers want us to take them, the more hysterical they get.

Dishes

2005-03-29T19:49:00.000-05:00

I have so many dishes to wash right now. Fuck, I hate doing dishes. As a kid I grew up with a dishwasher and I guess it spoiled me, because I never had to wash a single plate. Now that I'm out on my own, the mutherfuckers pile up like lice on a trailer park kid. I used to have someone that washed them all the time, and by god I think I'll need to actually pay for a replacement soon. I even thought about buying one of those counter-top washers for $300, but for some reason I just never do.

Dishes are such a thorn in my side. No matter how many you wash they just keep coming back; almost like a bad case of herpes. Such a scourge. Just go away dishes, just go away.

Listen..

2005-03-26T23:05:00.000-05:00

I don't usually post about new music because everyone else does....and they usually know more than me. But, I'm really lovin' this new Beanie Sigel track called Feel It In The Air, and his new album entitled The B Coming is coming out 3/29. I might even buy it. Listen here. Keep an eye on MuchMusic, and if you do you're bound to see the video, definitely worth a look.

This is also kinda cool because he is currently serving time in jail and he's releasing his new album anyway. Not that being in jail is cool, just the venture as a whole.

Rattlesnake

2005-03-26T13:22:00.000-05:00

I'm unsatisfied with my name. I'm thinking about legally changing my name to Rattlesnake. Rattlesnake Mark Walter Cornfield. Mainly because it sounds tough, but also because I think it has a nice ring to it.

2005-03-21T18:49:00.000-05:00

Borrowed movie idea

2005-03-16T22:00:00.000-05:00

It isn't just the monkey that sets Laughing My Sphincter Off apart from other cancer memoirs, it's also my skewed sense of humor. The one-two punch of the monkey's low-down physical commentary coupled with my friskiness of mind give the viewer a unique look inside the soul of a person battling colorectal cancer.
see more here

weirdness

2005-03-14T18:25:00.000-05:00

Two super weird things happened at work today, one to me and one to Jim.

First, theres always one 50 year old-i know everything-no time for you asshole in every office, and its always funny to see him compromised. Today Jim was pinching a loaf when this asshole storms into the bathroom, sits down, and starts machine gun blasting the water in the adjacent stall. However, fright turned to hilarity when this jerk's celly rings and he actually picks it up! Jim hears him go "oh shit!" then "ughhhh hello?"....this guy was blasting turds and grunting and taking a work call. At one point he goes "I'm kinda tied up right now". Wow. Jim had to leave ASAP because he was crying laughing.

Later I had to move my car to let some big truck into the parking lot and on the way out these 2 middle age women I work with were joking that I was going to puff smokes with them. We all walk out together and I tell them I wanna smoke a Capitan Black cigar. Then they start asking me "what else do you smoke?". I just kept quiet; but they wouldn't let it go, finally I just go "crack, I smoke crack". Obviously joking. Then out of left, the younger more likely to party one goes "I just put it up my nose". So I'm all "you put crack in your nose?" She goes "no I mean coke". My jaw drops, but I hold my own and say "lets go bump some rails". Her response "anytime". I felt like I was on fuckin coke after that. Was she serious??

Weirdness.

Cock-lemia...

2005-03-13T23:04:00.000-05:00

So I haven't posted in 45 years......no big deal. Had a super-good Friday night. Webby, Pierre, Richardson, Sie, Brandos, Marcus, Millsy, the list goes on.....I think we partied down pretty hard. Thanks to Ben for the hospitality, Webby for the idea, and Brandos for puking 5 times. Notice how it was all dudes on the list?? Oh well, I did talk to one girl...hahahaha. Webby's ex, the one I pretty much ultra-dissed by accident. Foot out of mouth......Anyway, me and the rock and roll nigga talked Bloc Party, me and Marcus talked steak, Sie farted on me, Brandos abstained from certain festivities, and Mike never did get his "chirri oil", but god damn it was good times.
I've been listening to the new Mario album and I know that makes me a big pussy, but hopefully I'll be more sensitive as a result, plus that Let Me Love You is so catchy.....holla atcha boy.

This Has Got to Be a Joke

2005-02-02T23:14:00.000-05:00

This must be some sort of gag.

Elephantitis

2005-01-31T21:31:00.000-05:00

Well, its clear that none of you liked my famous scrotum post. Fine, fuck you. You think you're better than me? Just because I posted something about a man testicle bag? Honestly I've totally run out of shit to say so for the time being this blog will either say nothing or just have childish shit like testicles and assholes and farts and stuff. If all you bourgeoisie, new radical, old money, north of 5th street, "I hate Sweden", fake turtle skin totting, "kick me in the balls, but not too hard" SOB's don't like it then just lick my famous balls.

Yo, Check It

2005-01-27T23:05:00.000-05:00

Is It Just Me?

2005-01-26T20:23:00.000-05:00

Is it just me or is blogging getting tottaly played out? I'm gonna make a new anonymous one and actually get really personal.

Are Computers the New Television?

2005-01-19T19:46:00.000-05:00

Lately; as in the last 5 years, I find that my computer is turning into what I most disliked about television. I mean I spend hours MSN'ing, or playing poker, or surfing, etc... Just like TV I could look at something meaningful or educational or topical and eventful. But I don't.

The biggest criticism of TV(besides all the ads) is that it "rots your brain". You sit there and do nothing and waste your life away in front of the "idiot box". Nowadays most people I know don't watch that much TV, not like we used to when we were kids anyway. For a while I thought that we'd improved, or grown up, or just maybe seen the light. Myself, and most people I know are watching less TV and watching better TV.

But now I realize we never eliminated anything. We just transplanted it. The same mind numbing garbage that spews from TV comes from computers too. It just seems we(or maybe just me) have tricked ourselves into thinking this revolutionary tool that can accomplish so much has actually improved our lives just because it has taken over for TV.

If I got home from work and watched 7 hours of TV I think I'd feel like a low-life, or maybe not that bad but just a little lazy and guilty the next day. Plus the ads would kill me. Then why don't I feel as bad about wasting a whole night here?? Its trickery, perpetrated by ourselves on ourselves. And mark my words, the ads are on their way. All we've done is switch from one screen to another. It honestly feels like I need to be connected to something with a monitor at all times. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like just to go completely lo-tech. No comp, no TV, record player, books, newspaper, etc... Would it be so bad?

I think computers are the new TV, anyone agree?

dutch oven

2005-01-18T17:13:00.000-05:00

my farts have been smelling super bad lately

More Proof This Shit Kills...

2005-01-17T17:22:00.000-05:00

0,1658,410604,00
Originally uploaded by jcorn.

As if Morgan Spurlock's film Super Size Me wasn't enough, here is more evidence that McDonald's will eventually rot you from the inside out.

Meet Charlie Bell. He's 44 and he's dead. He worked for McDonald's for 30 years and even though he wasn't a fat blob, the colon cancer got him pretty darn quickly.

"A charismatic leader who said he ate a McDonald's product almost every day, Mr. Bell was diagnosed with colorectal cancer just weeks after being promoted to the company's top job in April last year."

Read all about it here.

Prepare To Bow To The Japanese

2005-01-16T20:31:00.000-05:00

A pretty scary, yet somehow very realistic thought occured to me this morning as Johnny and I were driving back from TO.

You see, as I was driving I noticed that probably about 3/5 cars on the road were Honda Civics.

That on its own isn't really very shocking since most of us know by now that the Civic is the best-selling car in all of Canada. But then I got to thinking...

The Japanese build these things, and I'm sure most of you are aware of their penchant for high-tech robotics. So now picture this...

At some pre determined time, some dude in Japan hits a button and boom! A-la Voltron, all these Civics transform into robots which kill their owner and enslave everyone else. It's the perfect Trojan Horse!!

Just think about it. There's millions and millions of them on the road. Seriously, count next time. We'd be fucked. No chance to fight back. Without even raising a fist, we'd be entirely at the mercy of some tiny island in the Pacific! Talk about a Civic Nation.

So let's fight back now. Burn, smash, dismember, and cube every Civic you see. There's still time. Let's not bow to our imperial masters just yet. True North Strong and Free!!

Stage Dad

2005-01-12T20:39:00.000-05:00

brooke
Originally uploaded by jcorn.

Just when you thought Jessica and Ashlee were getting to be too much, they gotta come at your grill again.

I think its really getting disgusting, they way people are pimping out their children these days. We all know Mr. Simpson is gulity of this, but Hulk Hogan!!??

This is his daughter; Brooke Hogan. She's got a single, a website, and apperently her dad is so into her career it's frightening. VH1 even ran a special called "Hulk Hogan: Stage Dad". Watch the videos, there's 3 of them, and its almost scary. Focus on the one about dating; the one where he says she won't have boyfriends until she's 25!! He's on her career like a fat kid on a smartie.

Hey Hulk, Hulkanmania is over. Let your daughter live her life, and stop making her perform, and stop going to red carpet appearences with her. Its weird. I know she's 16, but still.

And for all of you who are thinking how hot she is right now, take a closer look. She's like 6'2 and she got Hulk's face exactly. Really creepy.

untitled
Originally uploaded by jcorn.

Are you kidding me? What is with this? Its almost like Hulk is gonna be his daughter's date from middle school dances right through to oblivion.

"Here, look at my daughter, but not too long or I'll body slam your ass like I did to Andre the Giant."

Does anyone else think the whole father/daughter, pimp/whore thing has gone too far?

What Kind Of Vagina Are You?

2005-01-06T22:16:00.000-05:00

Just did this cool quiz...Check me out.

These were my results...

You are a pink tight vagina. You're gorgeous and
lovely and smooth and moist but not too wet,
and a nice snug fit.

Now you try...

I Peed My Pants When I Read This

2005-01-06T19:48:00.000-05:00

"jacob, it must be hard getting through life, being taken seriously, when you're a downey. the DARTS bus isn't cool. it never was. neither is a swollen tongue or low-set ears. i don't care if you can crush a cue ball into powder or withstand pain akin to a bear trap snapping shut on your scrotum. it's rough. i know. but what the fuck was up with beating the shit out of me in front of my girlfriend, jacob? WHAT WAS UP WITH THAT?!"

This is the funniest thing I've ever read. It came from a blog called exploding mermaid wolf farts. I don't know who it is, and he hasn't posted since November, but if you do one thing today read some of this guy's old stuff. I wish I was .00025 as funny as this.

Monkeys Are Flying Out Of My Ass

2005-01-06T08:21:00.000-05:00

bilde
Originally uploaded by jcorn.

Well, today is certainly some predictable Canadian weather.

But here is something tottaly unpredictable: Seal is marrying Heidi Klum??!!!

Don't believe me? Check it out.

Leave them some good wishes.

Ouch!

2005-01-03T23:03:00.000-05:00

I got burned by acid last night and now look at me!

I guess now I'll never get my dream job: face-model.

ps - click the picture for a big surprise

Garden State

2005-01-02T10:26:00.000-05:00

pict_16_1280x960
Originally uploaded by jcorn.

I watched Garden State last night, and overall I'd give it about a 7/10. Pretty entertaining, definitely worth a rental; but Natalie Portman once again is a standout. She seems to be popping up alot lately and doing a super good job. Check out the official site here for trailers, pics, etc.

The best part about the whole thing was the music. Garden State has an amazing soundtrack. If you're surfing and downloading grab some of these:

The Shins - Caring Is Creepy
The Shins - New Slang
Colin Hay - I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You
Frou Frou - Let Go
Remy Zero - Fair
Nick Drake - One Of These Things First

Has anyone even heard of The Shins? I think they are fantastic. Check them out here.

Death Pool

2004-12-31T17:20:00.000-05:00

Originally uploaded by jcorn.

Did anyone realize that Jerry Orbach died on Tuesday? He was 69.

This is significant to me for a couple reasons: First; I always thought he did a good job in his roles as a detective on Law And Order and as the father in Dirty Dancing. Second; I didn't even know he was sick, but I suddenly realized that he would have been a great pick to have in a death pool.

What's a death pool?

A death pool is when you and your buddies get together and pick 5-10 well known people(it can't be your grandma), put together some cash, and watch the headlines! The first one to have all his/her picks kick the bucket wins!

I'm interested in starting one. So email me if you want in.

What Have I Done...

2004-12-30T21:57:00.000-05:00

CXT-3-full, originally uploaded by jcorn.

Well I have a new job; and apparently I work for the company that produces this monstrosity. Click the picture.

More Shots From The Den

2004-12-21T20:27:00.000-05:00

This stuff is just too good to miss. Check out all these shots from Bear Pride Day 2003. Just click on "Pictures".

Inside The Den

2004-12-21T17:16:00.000-05:00

For an exclusive shot from inside the Bear's Dean click here

hahahahha

Join The "Bear Club"

2004-12-21T17:02:00.000-05:00

bear6
Originally uploaded by jcorn.

Here is an interesting piece of news.

I just found out there is such a thing as a "Bear Club"

This is a club for gay men who are especially big and hairy. Therefore they are known as bears.

In a bear club, members and visitors can get together to share the finer points of big, hairy, gay men.

For more details(and to piss your pants laughing) click here

Rockin'

2004-12-20T17:01:00.000-05:00

cornfield
Originally uploaded by jcorn.

Just got flickr and I'm throwin down. I hope this pic doesn't frighten the faint at heart. Its your boy!

Go See This Film

2004-12-20T14:46:00.000-05:00

I went to see Closer last night at my local Silver City, and I had no idea what I was getting myself into...

Gripping, powerful, ironic, funny, clever...

All these words would accurately describe this movie, but there is something more to it that is hard put your finger on. It is quite simply the most honest and raw movie I have seen in a long time, and it is excellent at what it tries to do.

Effective might be the best word. Effective at making you think, effective at making you squirm, and definitely really damn good at making you cringe and bite your lip.

Without giving away too much of the plot; this is a story about relatonships gone wrong, then right, then wrong again. Every side of the story is told down to the last minute detail, and at times it is excruciating.

Some outstanding performance here by eveyone. Oscar material if you ask me. Do yourself a favour and check out the trailer.

Also, Closer boasts an outstanding soundtrack featuring the work of Damien Rice. His haunting melodies make an amazing backdrop for the events of this film. Check him out here, and listen to Blower's Daughter. It is also available on the Closer website.

If you have ever been involved with a person of the opposite sex(even the same sex) for a period of more than a few months; go see this film. Although it may have some depressing overtones in the story, the feeling at the end is one of resolution; and besides, everything is done so well it doesn't matter. Worth $13.95.

BIG ASS TITTIE COMMITTEE

2004-12-17T16:12:00.000-05:00

just in case you missed it: big ass titties

Get Me Out of This Matrix!

2004-12-16T22:37:00.000-05:00

I just realized something frightening. They have sneakily removed a character from the standard computer keyboard sometime since I was born.

I swear there used to be a key for the symbol of cents. Like if I had to write 25 cents.
Where is the symbol!!?? I was under the impression that it used to be shift + 2. But now shift + 2 is @. @!!!! wtf is @??

Oh yeah, we need @ now for email and such. This is a massive sign of the times for me. Appearently the powers that be don't think cents are worth a damn anymore. Well they are. Cents add up, we all know that. Should we just round everything?? This is a god damn conspiracy. I'm freaking out.

Am I wrong??? Let me know.
Maybe it was shift + 5??

Did it ever exist?? Did I have a really retarded keyboard back in the day?

Someone set me striaght. I feel like I'm in the Matrix.
And how am I gonna type cents now?

So many questions.

Duels

2004-12-16T20:26:00.000-05:00

Sorry but I just had to get some of this shit out to a wider audience...

Of the 120,200,000 vostes cast on Election Day, roughly a third were processed by electronic voting machines supplied not by government but by private corporations, at least one of them (Diebold) controlled by a zealous partisan of the Republican Party who made no secret of his wish to bring victory home for the holidays. The software programs enjoyed the protection granted to commercial trade secrets.

Number of House members in 1979 who voted against making Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday a national holiday: 133
Number who are still in the House: 9
Number who are Vice President: 1

Number of American five-year-olds named Lexus: 353

Chance that a Japanese grade-school student reports never having seen a sunrise or sunset: 1 in 2

Hours after Kerry conceded, that a New Yorker posted a personal ad seeking a Bush supporter for a "fair, physical fight": 5
Number of people who volunteered within twenty-four hours: 3
Number who asked to watch: 9

Wow, imagine getting so angry at an election result that you send an open ended challenge out to have a physical altercation with a supporter of the opposing side?

Actually wait, maybe this is how everything should be settled. Duels. Lets just have more duels.

Wrong price charged= duel, mean look on the bus= duel, guy cuts you off= duel, dog shits on your lawn= challenge the dog to a duel, I don't like the cut of your jib= duel.

We can even have the Ministry of Dueling, for handeling duel disputes. I bet those would be the best paying jobs; duel dispute handlers.

Come to think of it, duel is one of the words that if you say it too much begins to sound weird and fake. Like elastic. Try saying that 25 times fast. Fuck you up.

I guess what I'm trying to say is ordinary people are getting so shit upon now that they are clearly reduced to such phenomenon as dueling.

ps - that would have been AMAZING to watch.

Late Sunday....

2004-12-12T23:40:00.000-05:00

When all you get dealt in online poker is 7's and 3's, you end up with alot of in-between time to tell the internet about your w/e.

Friday night was one of those spur of the moment masterpieces...

Since I missed Death From Above 1979 in Hamilton and Toronto, I decided I should take them in at Call the Office in London if I possibly could. Me, Simon, and Mike hopped in the red rocket and blasted off for jocktown without a second thought. Big ups to Benny Mills for letting us crash at his souped up downtown loft, and for his quick wit and engaging conversation.

Arriving at the club we were unexpectedly greeted by Chris Webden, a man who I had not been informed would be attending. This was a great surprise since he has become rather "T.O." lately. Even better was the fact that he knew the bartender and we got some free booze. All the hapiness and booze eventually caught up with me and I was schmamered by 10.

A band called the Panthers opened for DFA, and they come from Brooklyn. Simon was up front knocking over 17 year old chicks and head banging like a maniac. It was awesome. After that part things get kinda foggy for me. I remember screaming at DFA to give somebody a sticker for free, I remember yelling "oh my god" at some dude that bumped into me, and I remember headbanging with my eyes closed(probably why I bumped into that guy).

The night wrapped up with a trip to GT's, followed by hardcore partying at the Mills' loft until about 7am. All in all a sick night. If you ask Simon he'll tell you there was plenty of "butt blasting"(and he was worried that phrase would creep into our vernacular). What he might not tell you is how he whipped his cock out in the middle of the night and hosed on Mills' coffee table. That news had to come out.

I spent the rest of the weekend recovering, and losing at pro-line. Fuck you football.

It Just Never Ends...

2004-12-10T15:02:00.000-05:00

This is worth a look

Give The Gift of Booze!!

2004-12-09T18:43:00.000-05:00

We all suffer through the trials and tribulations of Xmas shopping. Frankly, it's hell. So many people to buy for, so many varied tastes, so little time. The mall is crowded, parking is impossible, and if I hear Jingle Bell Rock one more time I swear I'm going to take my own life.

Solution? - Booze

It finally hit me today; booze is the best gift for everyone. Think about it; who doesn't like a nice 26er of their favorite concoction?? In fact, I will go as far as to say this is a frigging breakthrough. I have the answers to all of your Xmas woahs people.......alcohol.

Imagine if I told you that I could take you to a 1 stop shop for all your Xmas needs! Everyone on your whole damn list!(minus the kiddies and pets) Booze works for your parents, your friends, your significant other, his/her parents, the teacher, the family friend, your godmother, that bum downtown....the list goes on and on. Plus, you can buy it all in one place, no nonsense.

Some will prefer a nice pinot noir, others some scotch, and yet still others will throw their arms around you when they find a 40oz bottle of Prince Igor under the tree. Honestly, once you include wine, and some other upscale booze like cognac, and 1000 year old scotch, there isn't anybody you can't make happy this yuletide season.

So do me a favour; instead of complaining, just make your way down to the local LCBO and buy a bunch of booze. And while you're there pick up a bottle for yourself, slug er' back and think about what a genius Josh is. Get drunk and laugh at everyone else running around like idiots.

Happy Holidays

Niagara On The Yang-Tse??

2004-12-04T18:22:00.000-05:00

After my other plans fell through, I ended up in Niagara On The Lake this afternoon with my good buddy Bambo. We though we'd do a little shopping(tis' the season), and grab something to eat while we were down there. After a couple blocks a few things became clear to me:
1) everything is over priced
2) everyone is stuffy
3) they don't like dudes with Mohawks
4) they don't often see black people...(refer to the lyrics of Rollin' down Rodeo by RATM)

Now I don't wanna turn this into some massive racial commentary, but walking into those way-too-small, stuffy little specialty stores turns everyone's heads instantly; its just that today I got alot more weird looks than usual. I was sporting a Mohawk and I was with a gentleman of colour.

Now that I've had a couple jobs and been a couple places I've finally begun to realize that you truly can't judge people by what they look like. That guy dressed all shabby has a platinum card, and the dude in the suit whips out 3 cards that all decline. The man in the beat up pick up truck owns a multi million dollar corporation, and the chick in the nice new Lexus is days away from having it re-possesed. The dude with the Mohawk is probably alot smarter than you, and his black friend is inclined to steal jack shit. Obviously, its true that you can judge people by their appearence, and hey maybe its even cool to crack wise behind their back, but treating them different off the bat is just stupid and you are always the one who loses out in the end.

So here's where I'm going with this and why the post is a combo Ontarian city and Chinese river:

Eating in NOTL is damn expensive, so we decided the local Chinois restaurant would be best. Before we even got in I could see the sign that said "washrooms are for customers", and "if you aren't ordering at least $10 worth of food, don't bother" etc... I was pretty sure we had those bases covered, so in we strolled. BAM!!! this dude is all in our faces;

"can I help you?"
"2 for lunch please"
"did you see the menu outside?"
"yeah, looks good"
"so do you need menus? **** of course we do dickhead
"yes we do"
"but you looked outside.."
"yeah we looked.."
"oh so you want menus and a table?"

At this point the guy is still blocking our way into the place and i'm about to snap on him. Obviously if I was wearing an ascot like all the rest of the clientel in this over-priced excuse for a Mandarin I wouldn't be having this problem....so I cop an attitude:

"Is it ok if we eat lunch here?"
"yes, yes it just that some people come in and--"
"yeah"

And then the guy just kinda trailed off.

Buddy, you aren't selling Fabrege eggs...stop being such a cock.

Today made me realize what some people go through all the time. Its disgraceful. And the food was half-assed. I will never go back there. This guy was beyond apprehensive, he was just rude. So what if I have a Mohawk, and so what if I'm with a black dude(who incidentally looked like he belgoned on Wall St. at that particular moment), I'm still gonna order lunch and pay for it.

this is why I distrust Chinese people. hahahahaha.

Be True To Your City

2004-11-26T16:54:00.000-05:00

A couple of things happened to me recently that really bugged me, and sorta made me realize that people who aren't from Hamilton are ignorant fucks.

Number 1:

Remember how I mentioned that me and Brandos would be appearing in a shot from The Coors Light Maxim Club Tour with 2 of the most luscious babes you'd ever seen? Well guess what, its not gonna happen...check for yourself here. You can see all 13 shots from Fever Nightclub that ill-fated Wednesday, and not one of Brandos and I. Let me tell you why....they posted 13 in total!! 13!! Every other city on the tour got at least 30 shots posted..again, check it out for yourself(if for no other reason than to see hot babes). I'm not pissed that I personally didn't make it on, so much, its that we as a city got ripped off! I mean, I could understand if they had 75 shots and I just wasn't beautiful enough to make it; fine, so be it. But 13?? Come on, did they lose 3 rolls or something? Such bullshit I have never seen. I even wrote them an email demanding to know wtf is going on, and I encourage all of you to email Coors Light also...stand up for our right god damn it! Look at this fat weirdo, why is he representing our city? Ohhhh right, you lost all the film......fuck you Coors Light.

Number 2:

So I'm playing a little online poker at Truepoker.com and some asshole asks me if I am from Hamilton. Stupid question already since it states that fact right beside my name. Anyway, he proceeds to ask me how I can stand the smell and that he feels sorry for me because I must be a mutant from growing up beside a factory.....can I get a big FUCK YOU from everyone here please? Who are these idiots? I ask this sack of shit if he's ever been here and he's all "...one too many times for my liking". I seriously wanted to find this ass and fart in his mouth but I had to play it cool because I had a plan....but anyway I look and he's from London; right.....I bet I know exactly who he is. He's that jock from Western that I went to school with for three years, and he's the guy that always had to start shit....oh wait, that's all of them. I don't know this guy, never said shit to him and he's giving me the business online because of where I'm from. It seems odd to me that the powers that be deemed this shit-pit a perfect spot to build a pretty nice university and the best hospital around....such ignorance is amazing. I'm having a bad day at online poker(for FAKE money) so I'm gonna start shit with the guy from Hamilton. Where do you think they got the steel to make the bright yellow Acura your Dad bought you before he kicked you out of your house in Rosedale?? go to hell. We don't need people like you here. stay out, and if you come I hope you spend hours figuring out the one-way streets. I like them.
I bet you're wondering what my plan was....well I never lost my shirt, I just acted like a wounded little puppy-dog the whole time. Then I went and told the system administrator to review our conversation....hahahahah. They kicked him off that shit foreva!! kinda gay I know..but I was sure it would work cause I once got kicked off the same site for being an asshole. wait....everyone in my house 2nd year did....christ allmighty Western can turn you into a turbo-jock.

As a side note I want to mention that there are people from Hamilton that walk around all the time with a chip on their shoulder. I know lots of them. They are always afriad that people think they are better than them. Just because you come from a mainly blue collar town doesn't mean you need to have an inferiorty complex....this is the flipside of the coin I see all the time and it bugs me almost as much. Its funny because alot of the same people that hate high-society types can't wait to be high-society themsleves.

Such is mango.

quitters never win

2004-11-19T20:18:00.000-05:00

The volunteers were tired
Heads were hanging low
The news had spoiled their appetite
For stuffing envelopes
Twelve points was an awful lot
To be down in the polls
With only two weeks to go
Shouldering the phone
Loosening his tie
His running mate on pricks and pins
Hovering beside
The candidate wrote furiously
As if to save his life
Then hung up the phone
And spoke with great conviction
When you're nothing but a boyfriend
Dangling by a thread
Keep in mind the bottom line
Diamonds are a girl's best friend

Inches from the goal
One thing on his mind
To get behind her desk and make
Some big decisions
Power can be such a tease
You're always wanting more
It's good to know that just like sex
It can be paid for

So much work...

2004-11-19T17:17:00.000-05:00

Well we all knew this picture was gonna have to be posted eventually....Johnny I'm sorry but its just much too beautiful. What were you high on that night again....love? At any rate, blogging is so fuckin' time consuming that its almost not worth it. What did Homer Simpson say again...if you don't get real good right away just quit. Sounds good to me. Stay tuned for pics of me and Brandos at the Maxim Club Tour....

r

3 of 3 - and i quote...

2004-11-17T18:07:00.000-05:00

Recently I was lucky enough to get a subscription to Harper's Magazine for my birthday(thanks Kate), and this month's issue had a really cool essay in it that sorta changed my outlook on a lot of things. It's all about the idea that being idle(doing nothing) is evil or wrong or lazy or whatever...Not that leisure is bad (playing poker, watching TV, taking a cruise), just idleness. I think everyone should read the essay but it basically breaks down to the fact that we have been so conditioned to be earning money or building things, that we are no longer allowed to just sit around...and I agree. This a quote I like:

"Leisure is permissible, we understand, because it costs money; idleness is not, because it doesn't. Leisure is focused; whatever thinking it requires is absorbed by a certain task; sinking that putt, making that cast, watching that flat-screen TV. Idleness, on the other hand, has a bad attitude. It doesn't shave; it's not a member of the team; it doesn't play well with others. It thinks too much...so it has to be ostracized."

This is so true; why can't we just sit around and talk or think or get high or whatever? I guess the author is trying to say that just taking time, thinking, and mulling things over should be ok once again. We are flying down the path so fast we can't even see the roses let alone smell them. We need to take time to find joy in life. Are there forces out there that constantly want us to work, build, run errands, accomplish things?? And why do they want to keep us busy?? - That's for another day, but believe me its sinister...

here is my attempt at a bibliography:
Slouka, Mark: Quitting The Paint Factory, Harper's Magazine. November 2004. Vol. 309, No. 1854

2 of 3 - The Festival Express

2004-11-17T17:48:00.000-05:00

First of all, holy mutherfuckin' shit ass bitch with a tail - that first post literally took me about 3 hrs...don't ever let anyone tell you learning HTML on the fly is easy...its fuckin bullshit. Has anyone heard of the movie The Festival Express? Apparently in 1970 there was this train that went across Canada carrying the likes of the Grateful Dead, Janis Joplin, The Band...etc, and guess what? Someone decided to make a documentary. Here's where it gets fucked ....this "rock-umentary" is playing tonite at Jackson Square here in the Hammer at 7:10pm. It took me all day to find this shit out!! The view magazine had a whole article about this happening in their November issue, but hey never mentioned a showtime in the entire article! Just a movie review and the date. Today, Brandos and I called Jackson Square and The View, of course we got the machine and there was no mention of it...I even went on the view, festival express, Jackson Square, and countless other websites and no luck. Are they hiding the showtime of this movie? Or at least making it damn inaccessible...I think its because the man is afraid it might attract the wrong type of person...ie: hippies, potheads, teenagers, musicians...the list goes on. Which makes me wonder why on earth they would bother showing the film in the first place. Some sort of corporate agreement? This is gonna be a great documentary for all us former deadheads and fans of good music in general, I can't wait. Once again more info is available here.
ps- the chick on the cover has no visible face but is displaying a pretty well cooked rack of lamb.
chuga chuga, chuga chuga, woo woo!!! I'm a nerd

1 of 3 - Ellen Fairclough

2004-11-17T17:12:00.000-05:00

As none of you probably know Ellen Fairclough recently died at the age of 99. She was the first female MP to ever grace the halls of our house of commons. Its sad that she died but the cool part is that she was from Hamilton...I never knew this until her death and its funny because we even had a big poster of her up on the wall in grade 10 English(with Mr. Green the guy that busted me in class stoned outta my face and then asked me one seriously fucked up question). I wonder why niether my teacher nor anyone else in the class took the time to point out she was a Hamilton native, in fact I don't think anyone recognized her around here at all until she finally passed away...sexism you say? I doubt it. I think its just the fact that nobody really gives a shit about things like this anymore. Now that I'm kinda interested in Canadian government and politics I sorta wish I knew more about her while she was still alive. She really seemed like a nice lady too(I heard an old interview with her) I mean come on, she repped Hammer town large yo....If you want more specific details don't ask me; I'm trying to keep this blog from bieng a source of recycled news but the CBC has the full story. Maybe I can increase their hit count by 1 or 2. God speed Ellen Fairclough....RIP.

"The Gamesmen"

2004-11-16T11:21:00.000-05:00

After watching a video of the most insane foosball master on the planet, macnamara and I thought it would be cool to become masters ourselves...i have a ping-pong table, hes got foosball and everyone had darts. That just leaves a poker table, pool table and maybe a couple of other things before we become the ultimate GAMESMEN. We'd be an evil fighting force like no other...after I knock the bad guy silly with a rocket blast pong ball to the head, macnamara will blind him with darts to each eyeball...we'll be even more popular than The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen...who really never did shit anyway. Long live the gamesmen....and seriously watch this foosball video...its retarded. click here

This Life Apartment

2004-11-16T10:27:00.000-05:00

Its funny, but I just realized that until my recent unemployment I'd never actually spent that much time in my apartment. Sure I sleep and eat here (actually I mainly eat out...), but ever since I've had this place its been 8-6 mon-fri and try to get out of town on the weekends. This is one hell of a god damn boring place to be. Sure I could hang posters or paint walls or clean up, but for some reason I don't... I just spend all morning applying for jobs on the net, and then usually by about 12 I'm so freezing cold from these stupid hit or miss radiators that I go take a hot shower. Please, if anyone out there is reading this and knows exactly how radiators work, be bold and leave me a detailed analysis in the comments....I thought I knew but I clearly have no idea. Did I forget to mention my landlord sucks?? not a bad guy really, just completely oblivious to any type of real customer service. I'll have everyone know that "Professional Property Management" is probably the least proffesional organization I've ever been in contact with. Anyway, its not really all that bad, but for someone who is constantly being forced to describe himself as a "motivated self starter" I sure do have trouble getting out of the house.

ps - I'm still working on this uploading of pictures thing...so here's a nice random one

this will link you directly to the website of our WORLD CHAMPIONS

Magic Kingdom??

2004-11-15T12:02:00.000-05:00

Although Webby is the only one who will read this, I thought I'd let the world know that Disney World isn't the communistic paradise that it used to be anymore....Until today I wasn't aware that celebrities, rich people, jocks....etc, these assholes don't have to wait in line for rides!!?? Apperently you can pay something like 400/day to bypass all the lines at Disney World...am I the only one who thinks this is insane?? Please, I mean the old trick of pushing your sister around in a wheelchair is creative, fun, and doesn't really hurt anyone.. but paying to bypass lines?? Whats next?? passing the bouncer a 50 to get into the bar faster....oh shit
Anyway, all I'm saying is that when it boils down to it even the Magic Kingdom can't cook without that dough...