Elephantitis

Well, its clear that none of you liked my famous scrotum post. Fine, fuck you. You think you're better than me? Just because I posted something about a man testicle bag? Honestly I've totally run out of shit to say so for the time being this blog will either say nothing or just have childish shit like testicles and assholes and farts and stuff. If all you bourgeoisie, new radical, old money, north of 5th street, "I hate Sweden", fake turtle skin totting, "kick me in the balls, but not too hard" SOB's don't like it then just lick my famous balls.

Yo, Check It

Is It Just Me?

Is it just me or is blogging getting tottaly played out? I'm gonna make a new anonymous one and actually get really personal.

Are Computers the New Television?

Lately; as in the last 5 years, I find that my computer is turning into what I most disliked about television. I mean I spend hours MSN'ing, or playing poker, or surfing, etc... Just like TV I could look at something meaningful or educational or topical and eventful. But I don't.

The biggest criticism of TV(besides all the ads) is that it "rots your brain". You sit there and do nothing and waste your life away in front of the "idiot box". Nowadays most people I know don't watch that much TV, not like we used to when we were kids anyway. For a while I thought that we'd improved, or grown up, or just maybe seen the light. Myself, and most people I know are watching less TV and watching better TV.

But now I realize we never eliminated anything. We just transplanted it. The same mind numbing garbage that spews from TV comes from computers too. It just seems we(or maybe just me) have tricked ourselves into thinking this revolutionary tool that can accomplish so much has actually improved our lives just because it has taken over for TV.

If I got home from work and watched 7 hours of TV I think I'd feel like a low-life, or maybe not that bad but just a little lazy and guilty the next day. Plus the ads would kill me. Then why don't I feel as bad about wasting a whole night here?? Its trickery, perpetrated by ourselves on ourselves. And mark my words, the ads are on their way. All we've done is switch from one screen to another. It honestly feels like I need to be connected to something with a monitor at all times. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like just to go completely lo-tech. No comp, no TV, record player, books, newspaper, etc... Would it be so bad?

I think computers are the new TV, anyone agree?

dutch oven

my farts have been smelling super bad lately

More Proof This Shit Kills...

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Originally uploaded by jcorn.

As if Morgan Spurlock's film Super Size Me wasn't enough, here is more evidence that McDonald's will eventually rot you from the inside out.

Meet Charlie Bell. He's 44 and he's dead. He worked for McDonald's for 30 years and even though he wasn't a fat blob, the colon cancer got him pretty darn quickly.

"A charismatic leader who said he ate a McDonald's product almost every day, Mr. Bell was diagnosed with colorectal cancer just weeks after being promoted to the company's top job in April last year."

Read all about it here.

Prepare To Bow To The Japanese

A pretty scary, yet somehow very realistic thought occured to me this morning as Johnny and I were driving back from TO.

You see, as I was driving I noticed that probably about 3/5 cars on the road were Honda Civics.

That on its own isn't really very shocking since most of us know by now that the Civic is the best-selling car in all of Canada. But then I got to thinking...

The Japanese build these things, and I'm sure most of you are aware of their penchant for high-tech robotics. So now picture this...

At some pre determined time, some dude in Japan hits a button and boom! A-la Voltron, all these Civics transform into robots which kill their owner and enslave everyone else. It's the perfect Trojan Horse!!

Just think about it. There's millions and millions of them on the road. Seriously, count next time. We'd be fucked. No chance to fight back. Without even raising a fist, we'd be entirely at the mercy of some tiny island in the Pacific! Talk about a Civic Nation.

So let's fight back now. Burn, smash, dismember, and cube every Civic you see. There's still time. Let's not bow to our imperial masters just yet. True North Strong and Free!!

Stage Dad

brooke
Originally uploaded by jcorn.

Just when you thought Jessica and Ashlee were getting to be too much, they gotta come at your grill again.

I think its really getting disgusting, they way people are pimping out their children these days. We all know Mr. Simpson is gulity of this, but Hulk Hogan!!??

This is his daughter; Brooke Hogan. She's got a single, a website, and apperently her dad is so into her career it's frightening. VH1 even ran a special called "Hulk Hogan: Stage Dad". Watch the videos, there's 3 of them, and its almost scary. Focus on the one about dating; the one where he says she won't have boyfriends until she's 25!! He's on her career like a fat kid on a smartie.

Hey Hulk, Hulkanmania is over. Let your daughter live her life, and stop making her perform, and stop going to red carpet appearences with her. Its weird. I know she's 16, but still.

And for all of you who are thinking how hot she is right now, take a closer look. She's like 6'2 and she got Hulk's face exactly. Really creepy.

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Originally uploaded by jcorn.

Are you kidding me? What is with this? Its almost like Hulk is gonna be his daughter's date from middle school dances right through to oblivion.

"Here, look at my daughter, but not too long or I'll body slam your ass like I did to Andre the Giant."

Does anyone else think the whole father/daughter, pimp/whore thing has gone too far?

What Kind Of Vagina Are You?

Just did this cool quiz...Check me out.

These were my results...


You are a pink tight vagina. You're gorgeous and
lovely and smooth and moist but not too wet,
and a nice snug fit.

Now you try...

I Peed My Pants When I Read This

"jacob, it must be hard getting through life, being taken seriously, when you're a downey. the DARTS bus isn't cool. it never was. neither is a swollen tongue or low-set ears. i don't care if you can crush a cue ball into powder or withstand pain akin to a bear trap snapping shut on your scrotum. it's rough. i know. but what the fuck was up with beating the shit out of me in front of my girlfriend, jacob? WHAT WAS UP WITH THAT?!"

This is the funniest thing I've ever read. It came from a blog called exploding mermaid wolf farts. I don't know who it is, and he hasn't posted since November, but if you do one thing today read some of this guy's old stuff. I wish I was .00025 as funny as this.

Monkeys Are Flying Out Of My Ass

bilde
Originally uploaded by jcorn.

Well, today is certainly some predictable Canadian weather.

But here is something tottaly unpredictable: Seal is marrying Heidi Klum??!!!

Don't believe me? Check it out.

Leave them some good wishes.

Ouch!

I got burned by acid last night and now look at me!

I guess now I'll never get my dream job: face-model.

ps - click the picture for a big surprise

Garden State

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Originally uploaded by jcorn.

I watched Garden State last night, and overall I'd give it about a 7/10. Pretty entertaining, definitely worth a rental; but Natalie Portman once again is a standout. She seems to be popping up alot lately and doing a super good job. Check out the official site here for trailers, pics, etc.

The best part about the whole thing was the music. Garden State has an amazing soundtrack. If you're surfing and downloading grab some of these:

The Shins - Caring Is Creepy
The Shins - New Slang
Colin Hay - I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You
Frou Frou - Let Go
Remy Zero - Fair
Nick Drake - One Of These Things First

Has anyone even heard of The Shins? I think they are fantastic. Check them out here.